When giving directions in Florida, you must always start with the word “Take.” “Take I-75, “Take I-4 “or “Take I-95.” When crossing the border into Florida, forget about all of the driving rules you ever knew. If you’re a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely do not drive between the hours of 8 A.M. to 10 A.M. and 4 P.M. to 7 P.M. This is considered to be RUSH HOUR, and you are not in any rush! Freeways only go north and south. Tolls are a fact of life. The state has to make money to maintain the highways. Accept this as reality! I-275 (Tampa area) will always be under construction. That is reality, and there is nothing anyone can do about it! ‘A1A’ and ‘Alt. A1A’ are the same road. Traffic lights are not timed. Accept it, and learn to live with it. You measure the distance you travel in time, not miles. If you travel more than 5-10 miles on any road in any part of Florida without seeing an orange barricade, you are lost! If you miss your exit on I-75, I-4, or I-275, it is perfectly acceptable to back up! Every street in Florida has one or more names and a number or numbers (i . e . Adamo = Rt. 60). Learn to take pleasure from reaction you get from visitors when you give them directions. Once the light turns green, only 3 cars can go through the intersection, eight more go through on yellow, and 4 more on red. You must learn the difference between SunPass, Sun Fest, Sun-Sentinel. and SunTrust. Flip flops, tank tops, and baggy shorts are also known as business casual. Plaids and stripes of different colors at the same time are the norm. Your car’s signal blinkers mean nothing. Join the rest of your driver friends and leave your blinkers on at all times. English is our first and second language. It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your emergency generator. We have alligators here in Florida, and they WILL bite you. Don’t be stupid and try to feed one. You might as well try to pet one. When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advance warning, and you are told to be prepared, you are not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice, and potato chips. You must learn how to spell Okeechobee. There is an Okeechobee Lake, Town, County, Blvd., Street, and Avenue. A true Floridian does NOT own a boat. They make friends with someone who already owns one. That way you don’t have to deal with any of the headaches. You weren’t born here. If you were, you’re angry that anyone else has moved here. There is always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on nearly every corner, with more being built every day. When picking up a woman on South Beach, always check for an Adam’s apple. It’s normal to sweat when you are putting up your Christmas holiday decorations. In south Florida, the four seasons are summer. There is a city called ‘The Villages’ where over 250,000 old people live that all drive golf carts and dance in the streets. About 65% of these people are swingers; the rest just got too old to care about it. (They have the highest number of cases of VD/STDs in the world!) Jupiter is a city, not a planet. Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays, on weekends. Those are for the working folks. There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-mahi, Flipper, and the Miami Dolphin football team. You can’t say; ‘This is how we did it up north’. If you think that way, then go back up north. Just remember, I-95 and I-75 run both ways. No matter what they decide in Tallahassee, you will never, ever be able to figure out your property taxes. Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside. But inside every restaurant and most businesses it will be 65 degrees. With the slightest hint of a hurricane, your house insurance will be cancelled. The biggest Asian pythons in the world now reside in the Everglades. You want to live on a lake? If you can’t afford lakefront property, dig a hole. Early bird dinner starts at 4, but be there at 3. Have plastic bags in your purse or pocket for the packets of sugar, Splenda, etc. True Floridians rarely go to the local beach. Those who do go are easily recognized by their tobacco-colored leather skin. Don’t even think about going to Boca unless you are wearing at least once piece of gold lame.’ Always be observant of cars driving through store windows, into canals, and into swimming pools. Note that most cars are driven by headless drivers. When you do see them, there is always either white or blue hair and over-sized, black, wrap-around sunglasses. This would be even funnier if it were not all true!
